Bus Wanker vs White Van Lads

Arguably one of the worst things happened to me just before my night shift…

So about a month or so ago I moved to a new part of the big smoke to start a new job – and part of this job requires me to ‘donate‘ a week of each month so that I can work the night shift. 11PM – 8AM. Brutal.

This pretty much results in me not communicating with anyone in the outside world during these weeks, apart from a few stray characters I meet walking along the canal at 8am: Dog walkers, fishermen, cyclists and on a good day you’ll be treated to the rare sight of canal boat inhabitants. I mean seriously, who lives in a canal boat? Where do you work? What do you do all the time? I’m not mad at you… I’m just curious.

Today marked my last night shift after a pretty hectic week up and down the country, I slept through the whole day and woke up with enough time to shower, get changed, grab a take away and jump on my bus to work. However in true ‘Chew style‘ I missed my bus. I follow along the bus route so I can jump on the next one. Two stops along I decide to take a seat and start digging into my suitably named ‘£4 Epic Burger Meal… I wouldn’t describe the taste as epic, but it certainly was £4. so credit where credits due.

In the corner of my eye I see two white vans hurtling down the road in my direction, the van at the back picks up  speed and takes over the other, speeding past me. The other van pulls up right in front of me. Two twenty-something lads jump out, they run over towards me, speaking very hysterically. I make out something like “Ah mate listen” and something something “That van, call the police” so immediately I’m thinking something has just happened to them and they needed my help… how naive I was.

Once they got within about 2 metres of me from behind their back they reveal a huge bottle of ketchup and mayonnaise, not the little ones you can buy from TESCO I’m talking the big ass mother fuckers! They squeeze the bottles like they squeeze their tweezers when they try to wank. Poor souls. But there I was, sat at the bus stop, my jumper covered in a mix of mayonnaise and ketchup, some of which had hit my jeans too and these two guys run back to their mate in the van who is – as you can imagine – howling from the front seat. I get up but it was to late to do anything, maybe mud wrestle them? this stuff mixed together makes a slippery mess.

Now I’m not pissed, I mean yeah it was pretty annoying and I’ve just spent 9 hours at work smelling of a cheap takeaway, but the more I’ve thought about it, it was actually a very convincing performance from them… I hope for their sakes they manage to drag themselves away from the ‘White Van life’ of Carling, fags and the Sun newspaper and break into the west end…

mainly so I could pelt them with eggs.


Until next time,



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